Second Thoughts in Taiji

Recently, after a taking a break from taiji push hands due to my examinations, it seemed i have forgotten much of my taiji push hands(my form seemed to have improved though). And at the same time, it has also brought to surface somee fundamental problems that i have neglected for the past one year.

From what i gather, i think most of the time, i have been making use of ppls mistakes in push hands rather than having cultivated a good form myself. It seems, my basics in my form is still rather weak. The problems it seems, still boils down to my peng(ward off) being too weak, backside turns as i move back and front, not using the kua and waist to turn. All very basic stuff. But after a long time, i still can't get it!! Not even a bit of it! Back to square one where i started from. How is this posssible????

After a year, it seems i still don't understand how when the legs move, the power is transferred to the arms. Arms kept relaxed, how does the power from the legs get transferred to the waist and the arms?? If u want to exert a force on something, you would have to tense some muscles somewhere right, and people call that resisting.

If your move the waist and the kua, isn't that saying to use the muscles of your waist and back? Even so, you can move your waist wherever you like, as long as your hands are not stiff like wood, how is the movement in your waist and kua going to be transferred to your hands? It does not make sense. The only thing that makes sense is to not resist your opponent with your main body, ie legs, torso area because that is usually where the force is directed.

Today, after pushing hands with my teacher today, more of my doubts were raised. As i pushed hands with him today, i realised that he din really use my own force against me. And i also din really feel the fall into emptiness kind of thing. But that maybe because when i felt he was pulling me somewhere, i relaxed quite quickly. But that can be said as throwing (diu) right, not sticking. When he pushed in, it seemed that it was also quite hard, no matter how i twisted and turned, he simply twisted and turned in. Actually i thought he could just come straight in, he is strong enough for that, no need to waste time. I mean there was much resistance as i pushed with him. Some say it is because i was the one resisting. But one can only feel resistance if both are resisting together right? so how can this be true???? Sometimes, like his hand is already in front of my chest and i used brute force to pull it away, but somehow i can't, it is very hard, almost stiff like stone. How does he maintain that anyway??

Sigh........ confused........have i been wasting my time this 1 year? Where is the promised softness to overcome hardness and stuff? Or is this all also part of taiji?